Opening up – it is a hard thing to do. Especially if you feel like no one cares. Back in 2012 when my best friend moved to the other side of the country, I felt lost, alone, worthless. I used to isolate myself in my room and I used to do things to hurt myself, physically and emotionally, my mind was filled with negativity and self loathe. It was a circle of hatred; every day I found another little thing to hate myself about until eventually, I was at a complete stand still. I felt lost, I didn’t even feel sad anymore, and I felt empty.
And to me, that was worse than feeling sad, because you didn’t know how to feel. It was a horrible experience, I felt as if nothing could hurt me, but nothing could make me feel better, eventually, I felt invisible. Like there was a massive brick wall between me and the outside world. My best friend didn’t have the time to talk to me due to the moving in process, I was lonely in school, I pushed myself away from my family, and I felt like this massive brick wall which was around me was slowly enclosing me, until I wasn’t there at all, and that I had to finish the job myself in order to not be there at all.
I honestly didn’t think things could get worse, I was a mess and I did not see the point of living, at all. However, something happened which I didn’t think would. I was in school one day and I was asked if I wanted to see the youth worker based in school, and I thought I would give it a go. And after I got told that a teacher recognised the signs of my depression, she knew she had to help. I am so grateful for this and I still am today. This youth worker was so open and I felt like I could tell her a lot of things. I opened up to her, and as soon as I did so, I felt like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders, the massive brick wall which was enclosing me for months finally stopped and started moving back out again. Just by telling this youth worker my problems, I felt like someone cared, which to me, was the best feeling in the world, because I felt like I could tell this person everything.
From there, it began getting better for me, I slightly enjoyed school more, I slowly got more friends, I started getting back on track with my education, I stopped hurting myself and eventually, me and my best friend got back in contact and now, our friendship is stronger than ever.
Today, I have finished school and I am in my second year of college. Me and my best friend are still the best of friends and, even though I am still on the road to happiness, I am getting there. Yes, there are still a lot of things I need to work on, like my anxiety, self-esteem, my attitude to college and how to deal with myself when I have times where I feel like my life is a constant downhill going into a bottomless pit where I feel like death is the only answer=, but I have found myself opening up to a few more people, I’m getting the support I’ve been needing for 6 years. Although it is a very long and slow journey, I’m slowly becoming happy again. Opening up to people opened up a door to the road of hope for the future.
Nikita Bawden is 17 & from Devon, this month she launched her Fixers campaign to show young people experiencing mental health issues they’re not alone.
Nikita said, "I’ve experienced mental health issues in the past. I was bullied, both at school and online. At the time, I didn’t really talk to anyone, which I regret now. It was a horrible feeling. With Fixers, I’m working on a short film to encourage young people who are facing similar struggles to speak out.I hope to take it into schools, youth clubs and colleges to show others my age that they’re not alone.I want them to know that there is help available if they need it."
To watch Nikita's film click here
For more information on Fixers UK go to www.fixers.org.uk