When I was in school, I felt lost, hopeless. I felt like no one cared. I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. I hated everything about myself, and I thought I was better off dead.
However, I knew deep down that I was stronger than that. However, I wasn’t strong enough to not hurt myself for it, I felt like I deserved every single thing which I thought about myself. I hated myself enough to put a blade across my wrist, and cut myself.
I’ll never forget the first day I started self-harming, I had a rough day at school, I felt alone, and that everyone hated me. At the time, I didn’t feel angry enough to punch anything, and I didn’t feel down enough to isolate myself away and cry myself to sleep. I was sick of myself, the way I looked, how I acted, the fact that I had no friends to talk to and even what made me happy, as that was the reason why I was bullied. I had enough, and I felt the need to punish myself for being me.
I was at home, I ran home and I was already aware of what I wanted to use. I grabbed a screwdriver and a sharper, is shut myself in my room, even though my mum was at work, and I began hurting myself. Cut after cut and I managed to think of a reason why that cut happened. Once I felt like that was enough, I instantly regretted it. I looked down at my arm in shame. I wasn’t sure on what to do, so I just sat there, feeling ashamed, and ashamed. Instantly, I felt like I was a failure, the bullies, and my head won. I felt like I disappointed the very few people who actually cared about me. I swore to myself that I’d never do that to myself again.
I lied to myself.
Another few days passed, my arms didn’t sting as much, and my cuts were now turning into visible scars. I had another bad day, when I had a bad day, I could talk to my best friend, however, she was on the other side of the country, and they were still settling in so I couldn’t reach her. So I used my other alternative.
Slowly, each time I hurt myself, the blade was getting deeper into my skin. My depression was getting so much worse. I was close to the point when I did genuinely want to die, I felt like there was no way out, my self-harming became regular. On my thigh as well as my arm.
At the time, I was grateful for the fact that no one noticed my cuts, I didn’t want people to seem ashamed of me or angry about the fact that I was going through this. I didn’t want the attention I felt like I didn’t deserve.
The truth is, I never told anyone about my self-harming until there was a point where I forgot PE existed, it wasn’t until then where a friend noticed my cuts, and she stayed away from me for quite a while until we slowly became friends again. This made me feel so much more badly about myself, I was more self-conscious than I ever was before. I wish I could have faded out of existence. However, once I got support from the school youth worker for my depression, things began to get better for me.
It wasn’t until December 2013 when I finally stopped self-harming. And that took a lot, I think I stopped because I was back in contact with my best friend, as well as the fact that the school youth worker worked with me to support my depression, which helped me with my self-harm. I didn’t actually tell her about my self-harming until last summer. She was very shocked and she wished that I told her before. Now I am nearly two years clean, I am so glad I have recovered from self-harm, even though I still have urges every so often, I am certain that I will never go back to harming myself again.
My advice for anyone who is self-harming is to try your hardest to distract yourself from doing it, do something which makes you happy and please, throw away whatever you are using, if you no longer have what you use, it will help you to stop because it is no longer within reaching distance.
If you are considering self-harm, please do not start it, you will regret it.
You are better than the things which are physically harming you, things do get better, I promise.
Nikita Bawden is 17 & from Devon, this month she launched her Fixers campaign to show young people experiencing mental health issues they’re not alone.
Nikita said, "I’ve experienced mental health issues in the past. I was bullied, both at school and online. At the time, I didn’t really talk to anyone, which I regret now. It was a horrible feeling. With Fixers, I’m working on a short film to encourage young people who are facing similar struggles to speak out.I hope to take it into schools, youth clubs and colleges to show others my age that they’re not alone.I want them to know that there is help available if they need it."
To watch Nikita's film click here
For more information on Fixers UK go to www.fixers.org.uk