I need you to know that I have a personality disorder, it is the diagnosis that I don't speak about publicly and rarely talk about to anybody because I'm scared that telling you what I have will make you think I am a bad person. I desperately need you to understand what life with a personality disorder is like. It isn't an excuse for the way I behave, it's an explanation.
My personality disorder makes any kind of relationship difficult. No one seems to stay long in my life and I often find that I am 'too much' for people as I am vulnerable and dependent. I feel inadequate a lot of the time. I struggle to fit in and often my efforts lead to me embarrassing myself. I have powerful relationships and a lot of love to give but they are full of terror and fear. I fear abandonment and rejection so much that it normally leads to the relationship breaking down. Being close to me is a challenge and I find myself constantly asking for reassurance in relationships but in the end the mistrust and need for reassurance pushes the other person away. The slightest change in a relationship feels unbearable. I find it hard to believe peoples' excuses for not seeing me and I take it as rejection. I often end up attacking those who are close to me ensuring the very abandonment I fear. I can't control myself. I'm like a tornado destroying everything in my path. Personality disorders are destructive. Never think that I don't care about others, my struggles with relationships make me think I should be alone forever and stay away from everybody. Self-hatred is always with me and the hurt I've caused plays on repeat. I've lost so many people because of my personality disorder and it's agonising.
I struggle with my identity, I don't really know who I am, and neither do I understand myself. Things can change dramatically one moment to the next. In two minutes I can go from being full of hope to completely hopeless. I can be motivated to change the world one minute and the next not have the motivation to wash myself. I am impulsive which leads to me spending money I don't have and getting into a financial situation that I need help to get out of. I struggle with bursts of anger that take over me and often lead to me self-harming. I struggle with suicidal tendencies but no wonder death is appealing, my world is very confusing and painful. The mood swings, paranoia and delusions on top of the confusion and anxiety in relationships is exhausting. I'm terrified of the future, what if I'm always like this? Will I ever be able to have normal relationships and get married and have a family? Will that ever be a reality for me?
I can explain my personality disorder to you but I can't make you understand it. I just hope that somehow this piece of writing helps you to understand how complicated life with a personality can be and I hope that the people in my life that read this can give me their time and patience to remain in my life.
Claire Greaves has suffered from mental ill health for many years. Through this blog she hopes to raise awareness and understanding to the general public and therefore reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness. She hopes through her passion for writing and her experiences that she can help other sufferers to feel less alone.
Read Claire's blog: https://mentalillnesstalk.wordpress.com/ or follow her on Twitter @mentalbattle